A divorce is one of the most challenging things in an adult’s life, it’s the end of a long marriage. Trust me, no one gets married thinking they will one day have to deal with divorce, equitable distribution, custody and visitation and shuttling kids back and forth for alternating holidays. That thought is horrible for any grown-up. Nobody gets divorced without wondering, “how do I deal with my kids during the divorce process?” You are not alone. Many parents feel overwhelmed and afraid of the process that lies ahead, especially when they don’t know where to begin. Divorce can be extremely complicated with so many different factors to consider, but it doesn’t need to be an impossible situation. Your children will learn valuable life skills from going through a divorce as well as being exposed to new ideas about how relationships work and how you perceive yourself in relation to others throughout your life journey.
Divorce changes the child’s life in an irreversible way
Now, imagine you are a child and your parents just told you they are getting divorced. A parents’ divorce changes the child’s life in an irreversible way. Their life will never be the same, I tell you this as a divorce lawyer and a divorced mom of 3 girls. They are forever going to be the “child of a divorce.” It’s crucial make sure your kids don’t feel a sense of guilt during this divorce process. Divorcees can still have significant authority over their children’s upbringing and retain important roles in their children’s lives such as through financial management, decision-making and providing emotional support.
The most egregious thing a parent can do is coach their children to lie about the other parent. Highly suggestible children can be manipulated to believe they’ve been sexually or physically abused in order for a parent to win custody or punish the other parent.
Once such an accusation is made, that parent has introduced their child into a legal system that could take years to navigate. Accusations of abuse are taken seriously by the courts and mental health professionals who are assigned to evaluate the accusation and the child.
According to Hollida Wakefield, M.A. and Ralph Underwager, Ph.D. “In evaluating cases of suspected sexual abuse, the professional must remain open and objective, carefully examine each case, and take an empirical stance. Assessment and evaluation must be done with rigorous adherence to the highest standards of the profession, and professionals must attend to the characteristics of real versus false allegations. They must not immediately dismiss an allegation as false because the parents are in the midst of a divorce but must also guard against presuming guilt and aligning themselves with the reporting parent’s agenda.”
Coaching and manipulating a child into lying about the other parent means that the child will make a long-term emotional investment on spinning a web an angry parent started. Not only that, such coaching can and often does cause irreparable damage in the relationship between the child and the other parent. It takes a special kind of evil for a parent to use a child in that manner just to assuage their desire to punish an ex or obtain full custody of their children.
Studies have shown that children of divorce are more likely to develop long-term emotional issues due to their parent’s divorce. Studies have also shown that children of low-conflict divorce are less prone to those long-term emotional problems. Healthy parents want to divorce in a way that does not negatively impact their children. If you are healthy, then don’t do any of the things listed above during your divorce. If you are an unhealthy parent, I urge you to seek professional help before you do too much damage to your children.
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